Arnold and Dudley were friendly little tots. Indeed, too friendly to the neighborhood bicycle shop repairman, Mr. Horton. Most children don't remove their shirts and jump up and down on a fat old man's bed after drinking a bottle of wine - but I guess Arnold and Dudley were never taught any better. 
What shall we do, Mr. Horton? Mr. Horton does have some great ideas. Unfortunately, Dudley didn't get to hear any of them because Mr. Drummond stopped by the bicycle shop, causing the young boys to sneak out. Arnold thought the "coast was clear" but it wasn't - because down-home Willis and perky Kimberly smelled the wine on his breath. 
"From the nipple straight to the ripple" - Willis Drummond Kimberly is funny, isn't she?? This near-catch doesn't deter Arnold and Dudley from visiting Evil Mr. Horton again - this time, to watch a strange cartoon called "Murphy the Mouse"... 
Some cartoons aren't like others Arnold, some day you'll like cartoons like that. After Arnold leaves, Mr. Horton has an idea for another game. 
It takes a lot of water. I've never played "Neptune, King of the Sea" - but I'd like to. Meanwhile, back in the penthouse, Mr. Drummond has found out about the wine and confronts little Arnold. The audience roars with laughter as Arnold spills his guts about Mr. Horton's apparently amusing antics! 
Kimberly's blouse is what's really offensive here Mr. Drummond arrives at the bicycle shop, coincidentally, at the same time as the detective. Together they confront Mr. Horton, who's pig-like pleas are ignored. 
This is no joke, Mr. Horton. 
What happened, young Dudley? I wonder what Mr. Horton gave Dudley and where he gets his drugs? I guess we'll never know which is sad since good drugs so are hard to come by in New York these days. Mr. Horton, set us up! Finally, Dudley's bizarre looking freak-father arrives. The show peaks with Dudley's explanation of what happened, culminating in the final, immortal line.... 
He tried to - he tried to touch me. Lest any of you be confused at all, please listen in to the Drummonds' roundtable discussion of child molestation. Hopefully this will clear up any misconceptions that you might have. Lets also note that the detective is spending his time comforting Arnold and his family - instead of Dudley and his! 
Willis, I never woulda guessed that you were - you know - stupid. Poor, poor Dudley. It is because of your innocent vulnerability (and cute ass) that Mr. Horton descended upon you like a hawk. It is also because of your innocent vulnerability & cute ass that you have become an honorary member of the House of Diabolique. Congratulations, young boy. May you never be "touched" again, by anyone, young or old. 
Henceforth you shall be known as Dudley Diabolique!
Eddie Furlong
Bea Arthur
Dudley
Lamar
Dolly
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Visit the archive of past columns. Indulge in the popular Hall of Honorary Members
Margot Kidder
Eddie Furlong
Bea Arthur
Dudley
Lamar
Dolly
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. 1/27/03.
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