Diabolique
31
21st Century

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Week of Feb 23 03

This morning I had the unfortunate displeasure of seeing VH1's I Love the 80's: 1983. I can't stand the VH1/MTV genre of "documentary" TV, where rapid fire clips of subject matter are interjected with rapid fire sound bytes from various psuedo-celebrities. I wonder exactly how spoon-fed the celebrities are, because they all say the same things in only slightly different ways.

A segment on Cabbage Patch kids includes at least 10 variations on:

"Everyone had Cabbage Patch dolls"- Lisa Ling
"Everybody had one of these things" - Beyonce Knowles
"Everybody has one" - someone I don't know
"I had one because everybody else had one" - Beyonce Knowles, again
"They're so cute" - Leanne Rimes
"I understand the fervor, I mean, look how cute they are." - Lisa Ling

The whole program is offensive in that it reduces "the 80s" to a steady stream of meaningless ironic bemusement. Irony is refuge for the stupid. It's easier to plunder and mock the past by putting it into ironic quotes than to come up with something original or insightful. Irony in this sense is the opposite of creative, and these non-creative people are getting on my nerves.

The ultimate irony of this program is that VH1 purports to deconstruct the pop culture of the 80s while completely unironically promoting the pop culture present. Pop music business constructs are legitimized by programs like Making the Band and canned acts like Avril Lavigne are actually lauded for their realness. Justin Timberlake, a white boy who grew up in Orlando and cut his chops as a Mouseketeer, is now accepted as an urban street kid. It is a pose. It is neither ironic nor genuine; it is fake, promoted as real, and accepted. At this point in pop culture, realness only exists virtually.

Aside from Gwen Stefani there is no pop star today who has their own style. (Someone wrote to suggest Bjork; but Bjork, however talented, is hardly a pop star in America). The rise of the Hollywood stylist in the 90s has turned everyone into the same liplined, overdone creature. Even Kelly Osbourne, whose individuality impressed me in the first season of The Osbournes, is in the second season an over-stylized and over-dressed Hollywood monster.

The most impressive thing about Madonna's early videos, "Lucky Star" and "Borderline" in particular, is how real her image was. That is how she really looked. She really did hang out on the street. The dancing is hers; the choreography is hers. One wonders if Madonna had come of age today how quickly her personal style would be subverted by record company stylists and how quickly her dancing would go sourly generic.

It is a testament to Madonna's strength as a pop artist that to this day, she bends the will of stylists, choreographers and producers to her own. Her work always bears the stamp of Madonna. Besides that, her pop culture poses have been presented, one after another, as just that: poses. She is a meta-pop-star and this is why she continues to inspire.

Christina Aguilera seems to have asserted her independence recently, declaring her new image as the "real" Christina. But how real is it? And if so, how interesting? It was interesting 20 years ago when Madonna presented herself as a slutty boytoy who called the shots. But this is 2003. Lets do something new, shall we?

Christina's song "Beautiful" is trite and depressing.

Why is it that the supposed "uglies" in that video are shot in slo-mo mourning themselves in mirrors while Christina gets shot through gauze, lush lighting and 10 inches of makeup? Is she their "beautiful" savior? Wouldn't it have been more powerful to see Christina as she really is - sans cosmetics, gawky, and not that "beautiful" after all?

The irony here is that of any pop star Christina is trying the hardest to make herself beautiful from the outside in. She's wrapped herself in stylist-ness. She needs to chop the stylists.

Props for the inclusion of gay guys kissing but I can't help but think its all part of the Madonna handbook. Even sixteen years later, the barely seen gay sailors of "Open Your Heart" seem more subversive.



Not to mention the smoking lesbian matador.



Christina has turned what should be a self-aggrandizing anthem into a dirge. "Beautiful" sounds like crying. Its a ballad for ugly people.

"I am beautiful, no matter what they say."

The House of Diabolique line would be:

"I am beautiful. Fuck you and say it."

I'd feel 100 times more "beautiful" dancing to this in the mirror.

Rittorna...Ritorna...Madonna...
Abbiamo ancora bisogno di te!

"Documentary" shows on MTV/VH1 or E! are always full of platitudes spoken by celebrities about other celebrities. The most common platitude of all to say that X celebrity is a "survivor". Thus, Tina Turner is a "survivor". Farrah Fawcett is a "survivor". Mia Farrow is a "survivor".

"E" once had a documentary about Soleil Moon Frye, TV's Punky Brewster . It was said about Soleil that she was a "survivor".

When the topic of I Love the 80s: 1983 turned to Michael Jackson, no one said he was a survivor, but the following platitudes were offered in rapid spitfire:

"I think in 1983 Michael Jackson existed on plane above mortal humans."

"At some point during that record I think everybody wanted to be Michael Jackson. Even my dad wanted to be Michael Jackson."

"Whatever he did was cool. He could do no wrong."

"The glove - he started something with that."

"You couldn't really find the glove, so your grandmother would have to make you the glove with the sequins and they never really looked the same."

Really??

"I have to admit that I did walk around with a white glove." - Lisa Ling

"Everyone had the glove." - Leanne Rimes

"The moonwalk. I'm still trying to do it" - Anita Pointer

"When you ask someone to dance, and they don't know how to dance, all of a sudden they wll turn around and try to do the moonwalk." - Leanne Rimes

The only thing missing from that ridiculous statement is the most common platitudinal afterword: "It isn't pretty." For example:

"They will turn around and try to do the moonwalk. It isn't pretty."

Another popular platitude is to say that X was so popular that "everyone wanted to be" X. Thus "everyone wanted to moonwalk" and "everyone wanted a white glove" and in the case of Flashdance :

"Anyone who saw that movie wanted to be a dancer."
- Faith Hill

"Legwarmers. Flashdance. You wanted to be Jennifer Beals. You had to be her."
- Molly Simms

Occasionally, a celebrity will try to enhance their coolness by subverting this custom. In this case, it is Traci Lords:

"No. I never tried those moves."

Not those moves, I guess.

The cultural analysis offered by VH1's troupe of dolts about Flashdance is cutting edge like a spork:

"I totally remember Flashdance, man."
- Anastacia

"Oh, that was such a great movie."
- Faith Hill

"I was obsessed with Flashdance."
- Traci Lords

At least Melissa Etheridge gets in a good one-liner:

"Actually in the 80s I knew lots of women welders but that's a different story."

But was the line fed to her? How spoon (or spork) fed are these celebrities? How is it that very single one of them mentions the fact that Jennifer Beals plays a female welder in a trite one-liner? Over and over for 5 minutes they pound this point in.

What's remarkable about this segment is that VH1 doesn't capitalize on the fact that Flashdance is widely regarded as the first MTV movie. Its cinematography, quick-pace editing and reliance on music and image were heralded at the time as the unprecedented marriage between film and music video.

Who produced this show for VH1 and why would they ignore that?

Duran Duran has always proven that it is possible to be both underrated and self-important at the same time. But they are completely humiliated in this program.

A member of Quiet Riot declares "They had the prettiest keyboard player of all time," at which point his anachronistic metalhead bandmate lisps limpwristedly "Oh yes, Nick Rhodes!"

I have a visceral reaction when men mock the femininity of other men. It is not so much offensive as it is just boring, even in "ironic" quotes. It is easy, it is tired, it is soo.. 80s.

"The truth is, a great mind must be androgynous."
- Samuel Coleridge, 19th century poet

Def Leppard frontman Joe Elliott continues the harassment:

"My favorite member of Duran Duran would probably be Nick Rhodes cuz I've never seen anyone play the keyboard with two fingers before, and only two fingers."

Funny, Joe. I'd never seen anyone play the drums with just one arm before, and only one arm.

"If someone says they weren't into Def Leppard, they're just trying to be cool."
- Meredith Brooks.

According to VH1, anyway, its OK to knock Duran Duran; but if you try the same with Def Leppard, you're just "trying to be cool."

I wasn't into Def Leppard.

I did, however, do a few too many bong hits one night and come up with this dub remix of a Def Leppard song. The most recent House of Diabolique mix CD goes to the first five people who can tell me which Def Leppard song it is:

'Mystery Def Leppard Dub Remix' by the House of Diabolique

What I like best about the pop metal years is how vindicated I've become. In the 80s I was ridiculed for listening to Shannon and Lisa Lisa. Now, it is the metal heads who are rightfully mocked. Dance music reigns in triumph!

At this point I'm 48 minutes into a program about pop culture in 1983, and there has been no mention of Madonna and her seminal first album, the album that catapulted disco back onto pop radio, invented the concept of dance diva as artist, and set the blueprint for women in music to this day. Janet Jackson, Taylor Dayne, Paula Abdul, TLC, Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez, Christina Aguilera et al. They all owe it to Madonna.

On her first album, Madonna wrote six of the songs and co-wrote the other three. How likely would this be for a dance artist debuting today?

Judy Garland once said in a drunken stupor: "I am the result of an audience."

Madonna's audience has been a result of her.

I'll give VH1 the benefit of doubt; maybe they feature Madonna in 1984. But I can already hear the platitudes.

"Everybody wanted to be Madonna."
"I wanted to be Madonna."
"Everyone dressed like Madonna."

Etc, ad nauseum.

A clue to how spoon-fed the "pundits" are comes in a segment about He-Man's homoeroticism, in yet another mocking gay reference couched in "irony" to supposedly make it OK.

"Was He-Man gay? Is that what you're saying?" says Rich Eisen, apparently reacting to the provocations of a behind the camera instigator. "He's He-Man. He-Man can't be gay."

We can imagine the producers of this show feeding ideas to every single one of the "pundits" and then editing the show to fit their shallow, pre-supposed script.

For once during the program I can agree with some of the platitudes offered. Return of the Jedi did seem to me, as an 11yo, to be the biggest event of my life up until that time.

Unfortunately, the magic of Star Wars has been completely, utterly sapped by the atrocious new trilogy. George Lucas made horrible movies after Return of the Jedi and somehow thought that by returning to the Star Wars universe, he might reclaim the glory that was once his. He was wrong. His self-importance is only matched by the revulsion I feel while watching the ignominiously named Phantom Menace or Attack of the Clones.

When The Matrix was released, many critics, while admitting its entertainment value and tour-de-force special effects, dismissed its story as an updated pastiche of past science fiction. Star Wars received the same criticism at first. Unlike Star Wars, The Matrix doesn't read quite so easily as myth or even as primal entertainment. But on the other hand, repeated viewings of The Matrix bring its intelligence to the forefront; there is more depth and intentional artistry going on in The Matrix than in Star Wars, whose commercial and artistic success seem more like a fortunate accident now than anything else.

The greatest and most thought provoking science fiction film of the last decade was The Matrix, a film that symbolized society's turn away from space fiction and into the themes of reality, artificial intelligence and robotics. I eagerly await its sequels.

On the other hand, the new Star Wars films, with their ray guns, princesses, ugly pastel effects and questionable politics, are an anachronistic abomination.

"..there's probably no better form of government than a good despot."
- George Lucas (New York Times interview, March 1999)

Fool.

I must now place blame for the atrocity known as VH1's I Love the 80s: 1983:

Producer: Michael Dutton
Coordinating Producer: Jen Givner
Segment Producer: David Bruinooge

Congratulations Michael, Jen and David. You've produced the most inane documentary program I've ever seen on VH1, and I include every episode of Behind the Music in that platitude.

When watching TV documentaries that seem initially to be unscripted, like this one, I always look for a writer credit.

"I Love the 80s" has a writer: Mike Goudreau.

What exactly did Mr. Goudreau write? Which inane one-liners?

I accept the fact that most actors, actresses and pop stars have nothing to say. They are not pundits. But must they pretend to be? And if so, can't they insist upon writers who will at least make them seem smart?

How many people watching this program are completely unaware that most of it is not just junk but scripted junk?

Another credit caught my eye: "Format Devised by the BBC".

Does this mean that the BBC trailblazed the format of showing rapid-fire clips of subject X while alternating with the scripted faux-off-the-cuff remarks of pseudo-celebrities? Is this format an intellectual property of the BBC? Aren't they ashamed?

They are the BBC; I suppose not.

---

Postscript:

I've now seen I Love the 80s: 1984. I'll grant to VH1 that Madonna's first album was released in 1983 but didn't hit it big until 1984. But sure enough:

"Everybody wanted to be Madonna. Every girl wanted to be Madonna."
- Faith Hill

until next week..
when you dance, we are a part of what you feel.

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