May 19 2002
|
'Deep in Vogue' by Malcolm McLaren
We're being warned in every news outlet that an attack as big or bigger than 9/11 is imminent. It is painful to imagine attacks bigger than 9/11.. a dirty bomb maybe? The detonation of a nuclear reactor somewhere? Biological terrorism? Surely no plane could be hijacked again, although since checked baggage is still going unchecked, a series of planes could be brought down by bombs. But that wouldn't qualify as an attack 'as big or bigger' than 9/11. Whether something happens or not, I have little faith in our government to protect us. It is amazing that months have gone by without any further attacks since 9/11 because Bush and his administration are incapable idiots. Even so, the enemy is slippery and unique. Much of the American myth is built upon us being the scrappy underdog. We are schooled in this from the American Revolution onward. The original Star Wars exploited this American fancy by featuring a diverse group of rogues vs. a technologically superior evil empire. But the fact is that WE are now the world's empire - evil or not. And as in Star Wars, the underdogs have succeeded in destroying our capitalist Death Star. They say it is inevitable that terrorists will get their hands on a nuclear weapon through a 'rogue' state like Iraq or North Korea. If this is true, then as the capital of the Western World, New York is surely marked for death. But because I am a fabulous New Yorker, I live selfishly in the moment and am not worried about any future attacks. Instead I'd like to talk about something far more important, and that's sunless tanning . Sunless tanning, you ask?? Who of us whiteys doesn't want to occasionally be a delicious, luxurious golden brown? And yet if you're like me, you hate nature and despise the sun. Swim with me in the gooey world of sunless tanning sprays and cremes! I've experimented with sunless tanning in the past two weeks. For all of my experimentation with outward appearance, I hadn't even considered sunless tanning in years because what I knew of sunless tanning was from the 80's, and in the 80's sunless tanning meant orange, not tan. Enter 2002. Before any of you think I am too vain, let me point out that you are absolutely right. To be vain is to be smart, because our appearance effects every social interaction we have. Good-looking people are more successful than uglies. People, even ugly people, are friendlier to pretty people. Pretty people get paid more. I wager that even food tastes better to pretty people. Appearances shouldn't matter, but they do in every way. Ugly people often lead lives of utter dejection and misery. It is a sad fact. I am drawn to freaks and outcasts, some of whom in the past have been ugly. The ugly ones dragged me down for years. It is not that I would not be friends with someone who is ugly. But if you're ugly and bitch and moan about being ugly and unpopular and no one liking you, then (these days) I have no choice but to move on. Anyone can work what they have into beauty. Some are 'lucky' to be born flawless and stunning, but on the flipside these people are usually very stupid. The doors that open for generically pretty people are opened too easily. They become bimbos or mimbos. See exhibit A: 
Others are born average or ugly and make themselves stunning (see: Madonna, Bette Midler). We all have it in us to be unique and fabulous. Even the unprettiest of folks can excel through self-projection and charisma (see: Rosie O'Donnell whether you like her or not.) It is common for kids in their teens or early 20's to have no self-esteem. I was the same way until I realized I could control the reactions of others through the phony projection of glamour, confidence and intelligence. This projection becomes real. If you're a little 18yo nerd, stop dressing like one. I don't care if you're not a skater boy, just try on the outfit. I've gone out to straight clubs dressed like a frat boy just for kicks. You'd be shocked at how differently you get treated. In the late 90s my face was adorned with three piercings and I dressed incongruously in preppy clothes. Long sleeve shirts with stripes down the sleeves, floppy dark brown hair, etc. Last year, I skipped that look. My hair was short and blond and I wore bandanas with simple t-shirts emblazoned with skulls or dragons. I got tons of attention. You never know what a new look is going to bring you so you may as well try it, especially if you're afraid of it. I used to act as a cheerleader for ugly people with no self-esteem, but they never believed what I told them. Eventually they and their attitude dragged me down so much that I had to leave them in their basement rooms of emotional squalor. It is up only to oneself to excel. Why some people want to live in any state other than fabulousness is beyond me! A Broadway singer who enters stage left to meekly sing a tune won't get the same reaction as the one who belts it out and sells it.. even if the first is technically a better singer. One must sell oneself in every situation. Bleach your hair, color it, or shave it all off. Get color contacts. Dress like a hood one day and a Mormon the next. Wear eyeliner whether you're a boy or a girl. So what if you think its effete. Try it anyway. In 1995 just before body piercing started to get really popular, I said to myself, 'I could never do that.' And so I did. Since then I try to do anything that isn't like me. The only coworker I have who knows about my sunless tanning plan says 'But its so unlike you!' He's absolutely right, and yet it is. But I digress. It is an easy freedom if you want to be tan one night. I've narrowed down to the best brands so that you don't have to. 1. Banana Boat Easy Medium Spray Avoid the dark blends because two or more medium applications look better and there is less danger of streaking or over-coloring yourself. You may enjoy the Banana Boat creme more than the spray but I do not enjoy rubbing cremes into my skin. My skin is flawless as it is. It does not need to be moisturized. Banana Boat sunless tanning products can be found in drug stores like Rite Aid. It is extremely inexpensive and after even just one application you will be glowing and subtly tan in just two hours. 2. Au Courant Tanning Spray This is more expensive than Banana Boat spray, but it smells nicer and includes an instant bronzing agent. The bronzer does not look like makeup.. it looks like tan skin. The bronzer will rub off on light clothing or if you don't let it set, and it does wash off, but by the time you wash it off, the tanning agents underneath it have already darkened your skin. The bronzer is a great addition but because of it, Au Courant is for advanced users only! 3. Estee Lauder Supertan for Face This is expensive and only for the face, therefore I'd just use it sparingly for special occasions. It is a creme that works slightly better than the Banana Boat spray. It also smells better. One can get by quite wonderfully with just Banana Boat, but I do like to feel like I'm special now and then, so in those moments I call in Estee Lauder. Each item uses the same harmless sunless tanning ingredient - DHA - and so they are quite similar. The differences mainly lie in application, scent, the bronzing factor and price. The tan you get will last 3-4 days, which means you can either re-apply then or go back to your paleness. This week I will be experimenting with large doses every night. I want to push to the limit of a month-long tropical vacation level of darkness until someone at work says to me 'Wow, D, you look really, REALLY tan!' Then just days later, I will let it fade into my normal paleness in order to shock everyone with my propensity for artificial beauty. All the girls at work have a crush on me already. Why not confuse them further? One reason I am into looking so unnaturally healthy instead of unnaturally robotic these days is because of my cancer hell last year. It is amusing to look like a virile, healthy all-American 1963 surfer boy after last summer's 'Back from the dead' living ghoul look. My skin is now dark, my hair is white blond and my eyes are blue. I am the negative image of my former self. It is a relief. If I am injured by the next terrorist attack, I intend my last words to be 'Please... I need Estee Lauder.. Supertan... for.. FACE.' Live fast, die fabulous. Special contest: Send me before and after pics of yourself. The before pic is you now. The after pic is you as something unlike the first pic, whether it be tanned beach boy, jock, catholic schoolgirl, businessman, raver, Chelsea boy, heavy metal dude or whatnot. My special birthday mix CD, a house mix CD from any year you choose and an autographed silver photo of my stunning self will go to whoever conjures up the most flawless transformation. Points are awarded for realness. It is the world's first online ball! Results are due by Sunday 6/2 at 6pm and only the winner will be announced. Ladies and gentlemen, there can only be one queen. |
Real Audio is required to
hear
anything.
