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Week of 8/10/03

C-Le from DC writes::

Dearest D,

I would love to hear your opinion on the latest onslaught of television progamming which feature gay men: Boy Meets Boy, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, Trading Spaces (c'mon do you really believe that Frank is married to a woman?), etc...

I can't speak about Boy Meets Boy or Trading Spaces because I haven't seen them. But I’ve seen Queer Eye a few times, so I can offer an opinion on that.

The so-called “Fab Five” are exactly the type of queers that I hate.Like me, they’re shallow, condescending, pretentious and snooty. Pretentious snoots other than myself turn me off immediately. I am against elitism in any form, except my own. Perhaps this is because I was brought up (lovingly) in a household that valued Wonder Bread and paper plates.

And so I find that when I watch the show I empathize more with the straight guys than the queer eyes. In fact, the pleasure I get comes more from mocking the gay clowns than in sharing their disdain for the straighty at their mercy.

But, alas, there isn’t enough to mock. The "Un-Fab Five" may be pretentious and snooty but their worse crime is being boring (a crime I never commit). As far as I’m concerned, the queers of Queer Eye aren’t queer enough. If five homos are going to renovate a straight guy’s life on a reality TV show then I want five flaming, faggot-ass fairies camping it up like there’s no tomorrow, not the dishrags on display here.

After the novelty wears off, Bravo ought to re-cast.

Kyan "Grooming" Douglas:

Hi, I am a shiny-faced mimbo!

Kyan’s number one tip, now given on three different shows, is to shave after you shower. Yes. I think I understand, Kyan.

But what  I don’t understand is why Kyan is always simply taking the straight boys out to other people. If he’s such an “expert”, why isn’t Kyan doing the haircuts and facials himself? I don’t see Carson hiring stylists or Ted hiring a cook. Kyan simply makes no sense. He's like a vacuum that can't plug in.

Since Kyan can’t cut or color hair or give facials and only has one piece of pitiful advice, he is obviously, painfully, not an “expert” on anything.  My bet is that Kyan was cast because he’s “cute”.

But my advanced sexual taste reveals something unexpected (to you): Kyan is not cute. Kyan is generic; there are few things worse.

Kyan, your personality has sufferred because for your whole life, people have been nice to you because you’re “cute”. But not me. You’re a mimbo. I’ll cut your face after you shower. Memo to Bravo: CHOP KYAN.

Ted "Food & Wine" Allen:

I'll wear a CBGBs apron to be cool, but rest assured I've never been there.

Once Ted whined that some woman wasn’t into his “fois gras.” But guess what Ted? Rich, uptight faggots like you only pretend to like fois gras because it’s expensive and rare. In reality it tastes awful. Fois gras is fatty raw goose liver and you whipped it up into a frothy "mousse". Yuck.

Of course for someone who eats as much ass as Ted does (fois anus), fois gras must be a refreshing alternative.

Thom "Interior Design" Filicia":

 
Creepy? Not me. I take really good publicity photos!

Thom has had five episodes to make an impression on me and hasn’t.

First suggestion: let’s stop pretending that he’s redecorating on his own; he has the most to do on each show and obviously there is a staff of set dressers and scenic artists behind the scenes helping him. What the show needs to do is bring these people out of the closet, so to speak.

Thom ought to have a crew of butch, bulldyke lesbians moving the furniture around, and his character ought to be a real Carson-style faggot, only moreso. I want him skipping even when he sits.

Jai "Culture Guy" Rodriguez:

Jai has the most ridiculous publicity photos of them all. Take a journey into Jai::

I am Prince meets Funkmaster Flex! I am a cool DJ!

I'm ready for insertion!

I am spontaneous and gay! I wear flip-flops!

One word stands for Jai's last picture there: doofus.

In school, I was friends with a faggot named  “Xavier” who one day announced that his name was to be pronounced “Egg-zah-vee-ay”. Pretentious cocksuckers like him need to feel special and so they change the pronunciation or spelling of their name accordingly. I realize that "Jai" isn't an unheard of spelling, but I would wager that Jai was originally born "Jay". Also, he’s an actor; annoying enough even without the alterna-name.

Unlike "Carson" or "Thom", Jai doesn’t have much to do. In fact, Jai has the least to do of the "Fag Five" and reports from behind the scenes reveal that he is treated accordingly.

In fact, Jai is so disposable that he was replaced Darren-from-Bewitched-style in two episodes by a black man. There was no explanation for this but it lent credence to the belief that the “culture guy” is where the producers will stick their token colored, safely in the background where he can say very little and do no harm.

As far as I’m concerned, there needs to be a faggot-ass black or latino queen up front and as far from the DL as possible. I want to hear a straight guy get read up and down by a bitch from the barrio. Franklin Fuentes, culture guy, you're welcome.

Of course it might be too radical to have a prancing Latino princess telling a straight white man what to do.

I’m sure Jai will read this, and I’d like to give him a personal message. Jai, you seem like a nice guy, but you’re an actor, not a “culture guy”. I don’t hate you for riding the show for what its worth but eventually you’ll have to make a choice: do you want to be known as the 5^th wheel of the “Drab Five” or do you want to be an actor?

Also, I’d let you blow me.

Carson "Fashion" Kressley:

As you can see above, Carson is ridiculous. He’s also completely entertaining. In fact, as far as I’m concerned, Carson is the only cast member who should stay. The rest of the queens should be as faggy or faggier than he is. Imagine! Now that's entertainment.

Carson does have questionable taste. Only repulsive “hipsters” wear expensive, distressed denim from Diesel; guys who don’t wear socks are disgusting; checks and stripes only go together in hell; powder pink dinner jackets are stupid; and finally, tight white underpants are for little boys, not men.

But Carson’s assured poor taste is part of the fun. In 10 years, reruns of Carson’s makeovers will be high camp. The fact is, he’s entertaining, in both a laugh-with AND laugh-at way, and that's perfect for reality TV.

C-Le from DC also asks:

Is this good exposure or exploitation?

Queer Eye is to gay people what Pam Grier movies were to African Americans in the 70s; stereotypical and empowering all at once.

On the one hand, it's great to see gay people on TV, but on the other hand, these representations are all stereotypical. But on the other other hand, everyone on TV, especially reality TV, is a stereotype, because stereotypes are funny. Stereotypes work. I think the queers of Queer Eye should be even more stereotypical; after all, Queer Eye is supposed to be entertainment, not a public service announcement.

Words like "faggot" or "dyke" are harmless by themselves; it is the intentions behind them that matter. Likewise for stereotypes. They don't offend me unless the intentions behind them are malicious. After all, many people consider me to be a stereotype, and I'm only partially evil.

If Queer Eye's queers were faggier, they'd be funnier, and they'd also probably have more of a sense of humor about themselves. This would benefit the show immensely. Then, we wouldn't have the spectacle of airhead Kyan oh-so-seriously and condescendingly telling a black man how to shave.

A new cast of queens should not only be queenier, but also even more nurturing than the current group. Straight men are never nurtured by other men; not by their fathers, nor by their friends, and it is the spectacle of five men nurturing another that makes Queer Eye special. Therein lies it's radical, beating heart.

until next week, remember..
when you dance, we are a part of what you feel.

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