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Week of July 12 04

Someone named Monica wrote me a letter so long I had to seriously abridge it lest ruin your day. But here are the tasty bits:

Firstly I am going to complain about this horrible text you wrote on your Web site [about Queer Eye for the Straight Guy].. The text you wrote was mean, cruel and completely not ACCEPTABLE AT ALL. The Fab five are not in any way classified as the "Fag Five" And yes they are gay men, though they are all kind, sweet, guys who have a heart.
Kyan is NOT a shiny-faced mimbo!
Ok Ted, he's a great guy. He has many skills of ability to cook. HE is NOT a rich, uptight faggot. That is just not acceptable words at all.
Now what you said about Thom. He is one of the top decorators, he has great ideas, and believe me gay guys have a way better knowledge of fashion and decorating than straight guys do.
I will comment very strictly about this of what you wrote about Jai Rodriguez. Jai is my favourite Fab Five and you said that he does nothing??????????????? excuse me. He does a hell of a lot.
Hey, he might wear flip flops, though that's what we call fashion, and by the way, HE'S GAY. HE IS NOT a doofus. He is extremely good looking.
Oh and its "Fab five" not fag five, drab five..Fab Five. get it??
And last, Carson. He is such a talented guy. He is in the top for fashion of "Ralph Lauren" He is TALENTED!!
Oh and we don't use the word faggy or faggier. That's just mean.
This is coming from a straight girl who understands gay men's feelings. They are wonderful people and should not be harmed, and commented in ANY curricumstances.
I just wanted to prove the text you wrote was 100% WRONG.

Monica's angry yet voluptuous email was followed by an equally voluptuous email from "A.T.":

I am here to tell you that it is disturbing to see how biased you can be. Your opinions come from a one sided view on the subject at hand, not to mention the fact that some of the information is embarrassingly inaccurate, as I will point out later in this response.
Kyan “Grooming” Douglas. Ok to start off, I will begin with your first of many ludicrous captions “Hi, I am a shiny-faced mimbo." What on earth is a mimbo?  I have never heard that word in my life.

Allow me to edumacate you: "Mimbos", also known as "himbos", are the male form of "bimbos". Voila!

Ted “Food and Wine” Allen
Once again I will start off with your caption.  How do you know that Ted hasn’t been to CBGBs? You have no proof what so ever. True, Ted was shocked when that lady didn’t like the fois gras however, you have absolutely no room to talk about Ted eating “fois anus” that is entirely out of line.

How do you know that Ted hasn't eaten "fois anus"?
The anus: a primal horror for some, but lunch for others.

Thom “Interior Design” Filicia
Who’s pretending that he does it all by himself?  Anyone with half a brain knows that he has help so stop assuming so much.  It will become apparent really soon that you aren’t too good at it.  At any rate, what is the deal with your obsession with exploiting the homosexual community as if they were objects that you could toss around at your discretion?  They ARE people and should be treated as such!
Jai “Culture Guy” Rodriguez
Ok, here is where I get to have fun.  How can you say that Jai takes ridiculous publicity photos? I have about 77 more if you want them!!  Each and every last one of  them absolutely SEXY!!

Come on. Do you have this one?

Carson “Fashion” Kressley
Carson is an awesome guy!  I’m going to ask you for clarification here: Is it Carson that you think doesn’t wear socks? If it is I could tell you of numerous episodes where his socks are shown.
In conclusion I think that there is a serious homophobia problem here.  Have you ever met and spent time with someone who is Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgender? I have and I am here to tell you they are some of if not the best people you could meet.

You obviously haven't met Amanda Lepore!

 I happen to know this first hand and from a personal standpoint I would rather surround myself (and do surround myself) with people that are Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgender because their hearts, minds and feelings are so much purer (Just incase you had any doubts I am a straight female), but this is something you truly have to learn first hand.  
So be careful who you talk about in a false manner.  It will come back to haunt you.  Thanks for your time!

A.T.   from NC  

It seemed odd to get these two emails in a row, so I wrote A.T. to ask how she was connected to Monica. It turns out that they both saw my Queer Eye review on a Jai Rodriguez fan club email list (where it wasn't popular). Even better, both Monica and A.T. are 15yo girls!

I informed A.T. that I was not just gay but also an occasional queen, to which she responded:

No need to apologize, A.T. I am actually quite impressed that 15yo girls would write such long, impassioned tracts defending queers. In my teen years, 15yo girls hated us. We were routinely called "fags" back then.

And yet, I stand by my Queer Eye review. Queer Eye's ratings have plummeted. This is because other than Carson, who follows in the grand tradition of tv queers Jim J Bullock and Charles Nelson Reilly, the cast isn't entertaining enough. What A.T. and her friend missed in my critique was my point, which I'll state again: "If five homos are going to renovate a straight guy's life on a reality TV show then I want five flaming, faggot-ass fairies camping it up like there’s no tomorrow, not the dishrags on display here."

In other words, the queers on Queer Eye simply aren't queer enough.

My favorite Queer Eye moment of all time was on last year's Christmas special. During the "tip" session, Carson appeared in a big ugly Christmas sweater:

While ripping it off he intoned this heartfelt advice:
"The holidays are a festive time.. but that doesn't mean you should dress like a Christmas tree. Holiday clothing is all about texture, color and luxury!"

And then they cut to Jai.

Is dressing like a Christmas tree's skirt supposed to be OK?

Does it make sense to take advice from a guy with this hair?

In another episode I was tormented by two of my least favorite things in one shot: Kyan "Grooming" Douglas, and human feet.

Look how close his elbow is to those feet!

Another horrible Kyan moment transpired when he shamelessly got naked and spray-tanned next to a quasi-homophobic (maybe just Kyan-phobic, like me) cop:

HoD scientists were able to isolate Kyan's bizarre, mound-like crotch from the above still:

HoD scanners reveal Kyan's buttockal region insufficient to fill his panties. However, his crotch seems to have been stuffed by something rectangular, even blocky.

This is definitely not the shape of a real weener.

A song for all of our 15yo teen girl fans:

'My First Kiss' by Hilary Duff

Monica and A.T.: Let your encounter with the House of Diabolique be your first with the gay robot netherworld. We appreciate your spirited emails, but not all of us aspire to flip-flops or Pottery Barn.

I leave you with A.T.'s fansite for Jai Rodirugez, jai-rodriguez.iscool.net. Send her the love that can only come from the fans of the House of Diabolique.

until next week, remember..
when you dance, we are a part of what you feel.

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