Join us as we thrust into house music...

Week of Aug 02 04

James writes:

i’ve been meaning to ask you because i absolutely fell in LOVE with So Graham Norton a few years back because i love the camp!
well then he came to Comedy Central, and i was really worried because, well like everything else that has it’s BBC or Channel 4 roots, once it comes over to America it has to be dumbed down to level middle america can understand, and all humor disappears
anyway, i’ve been a big fan for many years and i’m not sure who all watches BBC America in the world, but with your recent comments about Queer eye for the Straight lost cause, i thought maybe you would like to remember the HONEST loud and proud gay people in television.

I saw So Graham Norton on BBC America about a year ago, and I loved it at first. Even Letterman's old antics seemed staid compared to Norton's, but soon enough I realized that a lot of Norton's humor was based one thing: snickering, i.e. pulling dildos and sex toys out of drawers and doing just that.

And then in July of last year I received by chance this strange email:

Assuming that he had found my Eddie Furlong tribute, I wrote back with my number.

Truth be told, I despise phone calls, all of them. Next to the sound of televised tennis, a phone ringing is my least favorite noise. Brring! And I think like Dorothy Parker: what fresh hell is this?

Brring! Hello? And my fresh hell was Tom Miller, Researcher, So Television.

After a pitiful introduction meant to impress me (as if a television talk show researcher would impress me), I was struck by Tom's ignorance. Apparently he had simply sent me a form letter that he'd sent to countless other Eddie Furlong webpages. He had barely read my Eddie page and hadn't looked at my greater webpage at all.

Tom spoke very slowly, gingerly, as if I didn't speak English: "How looong have you been maaaadly in love with Edward?"

"Well, I wouldn't say I was ever madly in love with him. I was just really amused by him."

"But you do have a.. sort of.. obsesssssssion with him didn't you? You have photos of him.. above your bed and dream of him, yes?"

"At one point, all in fun, sort of, but-"

"Edward is going to be a gueeeeest on our television program. Do you think... if you were to meeeeet him... you would completely freeeeeak out and go hysterical?"

Was he thinking of inviting me to his show.. to humiliate me!?

I answered honestly: "Not really."

"Ohhhh.. so you'd be completely paralyzed.. frooozen?"

"I would probably rather not meet Eddie because he's turned into such a pasty-face. He would, however, be lucky to meet me."

"What sexxxxuallllly attracts you to Edward sooo very much?"

Having seen Graham Norton's show I knew one of his favorite things to do was to find an American's webpage and snicker about it, often while talking to that person on a stuffed dog phone, and so I wondered if I were being cornered.

"Tom, what's a bit odd to me is that you have apparently completely missed the irony of my tribute to Eddie, after all, don't Brits like to think that they invented irony?"

To which Tom leisurely responded:

"Don't you think it's a bit oddddd that someone yooooour age would fall in love with someone sooo young?"

"I'm sorry, I hear something bothersome."

I hung up, and about an hour later Tom called back to express his dismay that we had been "disconnected". Apparently he'd also taken the time to re-read my tribute to little Eddie and he asked if I would send over some of the mp3s of the Little Eddie songs that I had featured. On a whim, I did.

An hour after that, Tom called again. Since Brits think that all Americans are blunt and irony-free, I both bluntly and ironically expressed my annoyance at his third, pestering phone call.

"Isn't this a little obsessive, Tom? You've called me threeeeee times today. How looooong have you been madly in love.. with me?"

My words flew silently over his head, and then he asked if I would FedEx him my treasured Little Eddie CD. I told Tom that I didn't trust him to send it back. But, he groveled as only the British can, and so finally I agreed to send it to him as long as he'd agree to FedEx it back right away, i..e the next day.. and more importantly, that he'd get Little Eddie to sign it for me.

A week later, and after a few harassing phone calls from yours truly, Tom finally FedExed it back:

To this day I have no idea if Little Eddie really signed it, or if that's just Tom's scant, shifty scrawl. I never did catch the program.

As for Graham Norton's new show, I haven't seen that either. But I'd imagine he's still snickering at something; hopefully not my Little Eddie.

And this goes out to Dorothy Parker:

'Serial Buff' by The Saliva Commandos

-

Go back to the archives or go home.

Visit the
archive
of past columns.

Indulge
in the popular
Hall of
Honorary
Members

God gives us
one face
but we make ourselves
another

Share your love
by signing the
guestbook

Our favorite
links

We thrive on
contact.
Your thoughts will be assimilated into our own.

Home