06.17.01

Very true Elena. Very true. But I'm already set to marry to your friend John from St. Louis! Thanks for your super email.

You're supposed to be upbeat when you're possibly dying so that people look at you and say 'How brave in the face of such adversity!' If you're not, I guess some people take it as a personal affront; or they think something's wrong with you. But I don't care. I enjoy being bitter and sarcastic! It makes me happy and this is how I deal with things. I wallow in it and make fun of it. As I've said before, cancer is not for sissies.

Is this the Oprah show? I used to be a cold, calculating robot and now cancer has turned me into a big softie who admits to having (or at least simulating..) emotions. Emotions, taking me over.

I've found that only people who have had cancer or a similarly deadly illness, or were very close to someone who did, can truly understand my situation. Being understood is comforting and so on a recommendation I saw Julia Sweeney's 'God Said Ha!' last week. It is a monologue about her brother Mike, who died from cancer after a long struggle, and Julia, who was diagnosed with cancer while her brother was staying with her (along with her parents).

It is an amazing, insightful piece of work and I could especially relate to her brother, who she described as a very private, reserved, boundary-setting person who, when diagnosed with cancer, was forced to give all of that up - a 'particular invasion'. I was forced to abandon aspects of my personality that I held very dear, and by the end of the drama, I didn't have the strength to get my way on some issues. It became impossible to defend my position.

Julia also delves into the various ways one deals with the indignities of treatment. One of my specialties was to flirt with the cute doctors, especially a certain Dr. Freid, who I renamed Dr. Feelgood because of his propensity to give me whatever sedative I needed to escape. 'Snowing me in,' he called it. If I knew he was coming I'd lounge in my bed and practice seductive if balding looks. My efforts were rewarded one day when he was pressing my abdomen (as most doctors did - copping a feel) and he asked if I were a swimmer because my body was in such good shape. A lie at the time, but a thoughtful one.

Julia and her brother would answer their phone by saying 'International House of Cancer?'. In the beginning I would answer my phone by saying 'City morgue?' Then I'd get to hear whoever was calling ask in a confused but nervous voice 'Um, is D------ there?'. But this type of dark humor freaked my friends & family out too much (all I'd get were rough smiles) so I learned to keep most of my jokes to myself.
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I've exchanged a few emails with a 13yo boy who has just been diagnosed with the same kind of cancer I had/have. He found me not here but through a cancer website.

Ours is the fastest spreading cancer known to science. On the lucky side its very treatable, but on the other side, the treatment itself can be unconscionably brutal. He's getting his first spinal tap and then a bone marrow extraction this week and asked me about it. His doctors lied and told him it would be 'uncomfortable' but not necessarily painful. Mine did the same. I can understand why they do this but I think its wrong for all patients to be so coddled because it makes the end result that much more shocking. So totally shocking!! The bone marrow extraction is one of the most outrageously painful and undignified things I've ever felt in my life.

I was pinned face down on my stomach and the doctor was behind me using gravity and his own strength to get a thick needle into my lower backbone using hard, heavy thrusts . He couldn't push it in deep enough and asked me if I took calcium supplements. I said no and asked why. As he continued to push he muttered, 'because your bone is so hard.'

Normally I might have made a joke there, but I was in too much pain and drenched in sweat. The sexual paradigm of the situation was embarrassingly apparent. Eventually my right leg had an uncontrollable spasm. In a panic I shouted 'What is that??!' to which he answered 'Almost there. You're doing fine.' A nurse held my leg down. I tried to think of dancing to get my mind off of it and minutes later he was finally done. 'Very good. I got a really big piece,' he said.

'No kidding,' I replied.

Was that the most painful moment? I don't know. There are so many other moments to choose from! If I told you about the legendary 'catheter incident' after my surgery you'd cringe but some things are better left unsaid and forgotten. I was hooked up to a heart monitor after it happened and when I told my friends the story, the heart rate increased.. ridiculously. The machine would beep madly until one friend told me I shouldn't talk about it anymore. It was sending my heart into panic-mode. I could only talk like the wheelchair kid from 'Malcom in the Middle'. I don't like describing pain, I'd rather forget about it.

I got an email from a chemo nurse who asked me not to be so grueling because people already feared chemo enough. I told her I knew that some kinds of chemo were walks in the park, but mine was not and I couldn't gloss over it. Although I do plan on marketing chemo to all those Chelsea boys who want to get rid of their body hair. Why resort to painful waxing when now there is chemo: 100% effective against natural hair growth?

I've gotten some emails from doctors who thanked me for giving an unfiltered patient perspective they never get in real life. Doctors enter your room and the first thing they say is 'How are you?' and you quickly learn to simply say 'Fine' because they have another agenda on their mind besides dealing with yours.

And that's where the hospital rabbis, clerics and therapists come in. Other than pills, hospitals try to shove these people down your throat. My floor had a rabbi and a Christian lady both coming around all the time, whom I ignored except for scalding looks in their direction. The Christian bitch once cornered my mother and begged her to get me to talk to her, 'even if it wasn't about God.'

The rabbi once got into a heated, 4 hour debate with my Jewish but atheist science teacher roommate about the existence of God. It was actually quite interesting as the teacher's logic flattened anything the rabbi had to say.

The therapist was nice enough and I got her to prescribe me two sedatives but I agree with Adam Phillips: 

And in my case, I'd rather talk to my friends. That's what most of them were there for, but sometimes I's talk to someone and they'd say something like 'Have you considered seeing a therapist?' in which case I'd feel betrayed, like it wasn't their job to see me through rough times. I'm supposed to act happy? No, that's their job. This was usually not the case but its easy to understand that they're all sick of my sickness by now. And so am I but it has become the overwhelming and dominant force of my life. 

'The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.'
- Cicero

Anyway to continue, when I heard my young friend was getting a bone marrow extraction, and 'what's it feel like?' I was at a loss for words. I didn't want to scare the kid, but I didn't want to coddle him either. I told him they can do spinal taps with the aid of an X-ray machine to make sure they get it in the right place, which is a pain for them - but better them than you. I insisted upon it every time after the first fiasco. Finally I simply told the boy 'Don't be shy about asking for morphine...'

Maybe his bones aren't as tough as mine (which would be good).

His spinal tap will reveal whether or not cancer is spreading to his brain. I feel utter pity for this kid. He's only 13. I had 29 years on this earth to build up the pitiful inner strength that cancer and chemo so effortlessly destroyed. He's only 13, a boy.

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Its been so long since I felt normal that I can barely remember what that's like. Feeling physically crappy is now my norm. I haven't woken up and felt refreshed since October of last year.

On Wednesday I wondered if I were dying again. San Francisco and its outrageous decadence took my mind off of it but there is no escaping the fact that I am growing increasingly weaker, more nauseous and more lethargic as the days go by. Some days are good, but some are absolutely not, and this is supposed to be as I'm getting better! In fact I feel similar to how I did before going to the hospital on 12/15/00.

One particularly strange effect is my vision. I occasionally see translucent grey stripes in areas of bright light. Hopefully these are just growing pains as I ease back into health. Or maybe my weekend's fun is catching up to me. I do NOT want to go to the hospital again. But if I have to, I will (at the very last moment), and I will simply turn my brain off until it is over or I am released. What else can I do? Hope that people visit I suppose, despite their natural proclivities towards more fun activities, often with each other. The hospital is unendurably boring.

I think my way of dealing with this is to entertain thoughts of doom. Is such talk whining nonsense? The candle that burns brightest leads the way. I will not die, I will explode.

As if God were mocking me, my bathroom ceiling collapsed while I was putting in my blue contacts last week. Alas, one contact was not saved but I did order a new one. All of my lovely shampoos and beauty products are choked full of dust and debre and initially I could look straight into the apartment above until its owner laid down a protective wooden barrier. I'll be damned if I have the energy to clean up. Isn't the Lower East Side wonderful? Actually it is, I love it. So raw, it always keeps me on the edge. I had a rat the other day. And this is the apartment for which I'm two months behind rent! Well now at least I have a good excuse, because cancer doesn't cut it with landlords. Fix my bathroom or you'll see no more rent from me.

Lucky for me the ceiling collapsed. Maybe God is on my side after all. Luckily I have a credit card which allows me to shop, buy food and travel. All to escape this meaningful existence. Yay for America..!

I am choking back waves of dizziness as I write this. Such strange sensations. Taking drugs or drinking would actually help me feel normal. One night between chemo sessions my tremendously incredible friend Emma snuck me drinks of root beer and Jack Daniels. Sounds gross but that's all she had. It became a really fun night and I love her to death.

There are two families of stray kittens in my back yard but I cannot touch them. I am to stay away from animals due to the possibility of infection. But they are, they are, they are, they are, so cute, and their fearful eyes look back into my own.

I don't know if I should sleep or eat.

'Dreams, those little slices of death. How I loathe them.'
- Edgar Allen Poe

Onto pleasure, pure pleasure.

It is my firm belief that people with cancer should get free vacations.

But enough whining, however entertaining it is!

Behold the power of positive thinking, which rivals only cheese in its thirst for conquest.

Here's a list of things I love:

I love overly ambitious women - Madonna, Dolly, Martha, Oprah.

I love Oprah. Today her guests were stay-at-home fathers, all with upbeat attitudes and gratitude journals, and Oprah showered them with extravagant gifts.

I love my dog Oprah, pictured below, who died in February 1999 from a genetic disease similar to hemophilia. She adored me so much, almost to a fault. I'd take her to the dog run at Tompkins Square Park and she would ignore the other dogs, favoring to simply sit in my lap, staring at my face. These are my most pleasant memories of her.
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As you can see, she had a great wardrobe.
 

I love how monstrously drag Christina Aguilera looks in the Lady Marmalade video. It would make a good Halloween costume. Christina manages to look sluttier than Lil' Kim. That's a big feat.
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I love Moulin Rouge but I wonder if Madonna would have been better suited for Nicole Kidman's role, since her character is a whore who wants to be considered a serious actress.

I love Destiny's Child because when I whip from my hips you slip into a trance, now lets cut a rug and listen to some jazz (??). You gotta do much better if you're gonna dance with me ton-i-i-ight.

I love Missy 'Watch my booty shake like a fat lady's belly' Elliot.

I love 'N Sync's ridiculous song 'Digital Get Down' which is about phone sex. You may be 20000 miles away but I can see ya, and baby baby you can see me. If we can't get together naturally, we can get together on the digital screen.

I love listening to Britney Spears have a fit at a concert in Rio.

I love the first collaboration of David Lynch, Angelo Badalamenti and Julee Cruise. 'Mysteries of Love' , which should be played at the weepiest moment of my funeral (right before E is handed out and Sasha starts spinning).

I love Leslie Gore.

I love Exposé, whose music takes me back to the late 80s and hanging out with girls like this:
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Sadly, the lead singer of Exposé had throat cancer and was forced to quit singing.

I love my new silvery grey nylon Triple-5-Soul pants, which unzip down the sides to reveal bright orange mesh stripes. They're comfortable, look great, and suit me.

I love women who wear short skirts with white sneakers on their way to work.

I love Latin America. No other region has offered the world such a steady stream of hot guys!

I love hard bass-heavy beats in huge clubs full of people who are out of their mind on drugs.

I love the sedative Ambien, which doesn't put me to sleep but does make me hallucinate, wildly.

I love rainbows and butterflies. Just kidding. Mariah Carey I am not. It is only a matter of time before she has an album out called 'Unicorn'.

I love Harry Potter, who's adventures helped me through my last week of chemo.

I loved wearing my rave-style black t-shirt which reads in big white letters 'ON DRUGS' during those last days of chemo.

I love my father's favorite snack, the sugary Snickers bar.

I love electro.

I love movies about robots, 'Terminator II', 'Metropolis', and 'Tetsuo: The Iron Man' being my favorites.

I love machines that follow orders.

I love wearing dragon t-shirts with a black bandana.

I love giving a shoutout to my rad email friends Brad, Todd, and Liz from Atlanta. Whatup kids?

I love my friends -------- and ----- although this is the last time I will mention them on this webpage because last time it got me into much trouble, and even this small mention makes me nervous but I figure one of them will tell me if they're resentful about it.

I love my friend Ken who, conversely, is desperate to be mentioned on this webpage. (Happy?)

I love this message I got from a Chinese fortune cookie and which made all of my friends roll their eyes:
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I love eating whatever the hell I want. I used to eat healthy and it didn't do me any good, so now its all about milkshakes, cheeseburgers and fries.

I love Young & Rubicam advertising, where I'm told access to my website has been restricted. But that's okay, because access to their website is restricted here.

I loved having dinner with my first ex-bf on Wednesday after not really talking to him for 5 years. He's grown so much and has accomplished so much.. I'm proud of my boy. He's tall, muscular & black, and I gave him his drag name back in the day - Cunta Kinte. Best of all he works at Young & Rubicam advertising so there is no danger of him reading this and getting embarrassed. (Don't nobody tell him.)

I love this sexy Latin girl who writes me the most loving emails:
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and this one:
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I love this silly audio parody about Kirk and Spock having sex.
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I love, love good quotes. I collect them. A quote dictionary might be a good gift for me but I feel that's cheating. Its much better to discover good quotes on your own and I'm always on the lookout. That said, reading a good quote dictionary might be like taking hit after hit of crack.
Its easy to buzz through effective quotes without really taking time to digest their full meaning - but the best quotes have layers of impact and paradoxically must be effective both on the short-term and also under the duress of extended thought.

'Hell is other people.'
- Jean-Paul Sartre

'Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.'
- Balzac

One of my all time favorites:

'Vanity not sanity will keep me intact.'
- Sarah Kane, who hung herself at age 28

Then:

'It is the sound of a woman hugging the possibility of ceasing to exist.'
- Ben Brantley, describing very chillingly a play that Sarah Kane had written called 'Crave'.

And lastly, my favorite supermodel quote of all time:

'I don't like my feet.'
- Naomi Campbell
 

I love these songs from 1990/91. Its hard to believe they are 10 yrs old already!

'Mr. Vain' by Culture Beat
Sometimes the Long Island sound isn't so bad.

'Dirty Cash' by Steve V
which has really weird lyrics about a girl with no shame.

'Last Train to Trancentral' by the KLF
Robot voices! I love the KLF . Once at a rave in Europe, they asked to be paid in cash, and then during their set, they threw all of that cash out into the audience.

'Inside Out' by Electribe 101
Featuring vocals by Billie Ray Martin.

'Luv Dancin' by Underground Solution
The classic from Roger S.

'Music, the greatest good that mortals know and all of heaven we have hear below.'
- Joseph Addison

until next week, remember..
when you dance, we are a part of what you feel.

And then the next week...

Last week engendered a huge email response, and I'll share some of it with you.

Someone identified as Kiki von Trapp had this to say:
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PS the drag puppy almost eclipsed the Jersey whores in funniest web moments! but one question, who is Christina Aguilera trying to address in her latest look? Dee Snider of Twisted Sister claims that she stole his look and I agree.  is she heavy metal now? keep on keepin on baby

Thank you Ms. von Trapp, not in the least for your fabulous name!

My favorite gal in Miami had this to say about the gushing tribute I gave her last week:
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I AM SO HONORED, THANK YOU! when i saw my pictures in there, i almost cry.... you made it look so good, like everything you touch...  I BELIEVE I FOUND YOU BY FAITH.  IT IS ALMOST LIKE WE'VE BEEN  SISTERS IN OUR PAST LIVES. I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU BUT I KNOW YOU, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.  WE ARE SO ALIKE, SPECIALLY WHEN IT COMES TO OUR SELF-ESTEEM. I ADORE YOU AND REMEMBER THAT I WILL ALWAYS THROW YOU IN MY PRAYERS!!!!

And I still love you baby! I may accept your invitation to the White Party in Miami this year. It would be my first circuit party, can you believe?

Many people shared their love for quotes with me, and some sent their favorite model quotes, all of which are quite funny:
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The most touching email from last week is this one:
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I love your email, Andrew. Isn't it telling that not being able to dance is such a big deal for us?

During my hospital stay I would often listen to this song on headphones in the middle of the night, especially on Saturday nights.

'Shackles' by Mary Mary

The cancer dilemma really tested my non-faith, which survives in tact. But I love religiously themed songs because of their wild hope that everything happens for a reason and that things will get better.

Could I be dead? I always was two steps ahead.

I thought leaving the hospital and going into remission would be like World War II ended; instead it is like Vietnam. Ours is a difficult cross to bear.

This week I finally ranked the songs in the 1986-89 and 1990-91 section. Enjoy. And kids, I'd give you more but I am weary and must rest.. my Gay Pride weekend was quite fun & debaucherous and almost ended in an orgy, but luckily I escaped.

until next week, remember..
when you dance, we are a part of what you feel.

If you'd like to read more of my cancer-themed updates: