The House of Diabolique

Join us as we thrust into house music...

July 1, 2001

I had a friend in from LA this weekend. When I met her at a mutual friend's apartment, she was already tripping wildly on 2 1/2 E's. When I walked in she screamed and ran over to me and hugged me for 10 minutes, crying and repeating, 'I'm so glad you're alive!'

Later that night a friend of hers said 'You have a very unique look.'

I said, 'In what way?'

She said 'You intimidate me because of your height and bone structure.'

I told her, 'Join the club,' but that actually I was a pussycat, meow.

Everyone new who I met that night remarked on how tall I am. I believe my chemo-induced blond hair draws more attention to my height. My head glows.

Let me wrap my cancer up. I am in remission and my latest visit to the doctor confirmed his belief that I am probably in remission for life. This is a wonderful thing.

As he examined me he remarked that he didn't know my hair was blond. I told him it wasn't blond before chemo and then he said, 'Well it looks good. The girls must love you now!'

I said that the girls have always loved me but his ignorance of my sexual preference was surprising because I once had a slide of myself wearing makeup in my room. He looked at it and said 'Who's the beautiful girl?' I told him it was me, so he looked at it more intensely and repeated, 'Beautiful.' But I suppose mere makeup does not a sexual preference make.

When I was finally released from the hospital, I was asked if the cancer experience had changed me.  I bitterly said NO; all I wanted was to forget and return to normal.

But as time passes I realize: my entire perspective on life has changed, and is changing. I see it unwrap in front of me.

They say that hardship that doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. But I have become weaker. Am I a better person for it? Before cancer I would never admit to weakness. Now I know that I am weak. After 29 years of feeling like a boy, it is this realization that makes me feel more like a man and not just a boy in man's clothing.

I will associate only with inspiration; I will allow myself ambition; I will reward those who bring me joy and think the same of me. So much of what I've learned seems self-evident but I realize now what I baby I used to be. Why did it take tragedy to bring me so much enlightenment?

I don't believe in God, and if he does exist I will kill him when I get to heaven. He knows this and perhaps this is why he left me on Earth.

Being close to death is the closest to divinity I'll ever be, because afterwards there is nothing. The secret to divine revelation is drugs and lack of sleep or food. It gives you many potent illusions.

If destruction is a form of creation, then self-destruction is a form of reinvention.

Cancer is still the dominating force of my life but I have the power now not to wallow in it. God-lovers say that everything happens for a reason. I don't believe that I but I must convince myself that it is all for the best and that I am where I am supposed to be in life; otherwise I will morph into a bitter wreck of a person, and there are already too many bitter people in the world.

I have a primal sense of gratitude towards everyone (whether in real life or this thing we call 'online') who helped me through my crisis.

I received this email last week:
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This is my second time coming to your web site and it is truly fabulous (a word that may sound trite due to its overuse but if the shoe fits...)  Honestly I don't know how I came across it but I was so delighted that I immediately started reading backwards trying to make it last longer, I was- I don't know what word to describe how I felt when I started to read about your battle with cancer.  It just didn't seem right, but then is there such a thing as fair?  Selfish as it sounds I was upset that something so good might be taken from me when I just found it.  Though not a spiritual person I honestly prayed for you (and I will continue to pray for you).  But ... now you seem to write with a little more humanity (I am at such a loss of words today) but still have that biting sarcasm and impeccable good taste.

I sometimes wonder why i tend to go to parties that have so many gay men at them (besides my taste in music) but though it would be lying to say all gay men are even up to your standards you are exemplary of what many strive to be.  Trust me any man is lucky to be or have been with you.

That last line is the sweetest thing..

If you are ever in Toronto Please Please Please email me. I will be the ultimate hostess if you let me...

shani
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Thanks Shani for the fabulous (if the shoe fits..) email.

I hate even writing the word 'cancer'. It makes me cringe. Let me get writing it and writing about it out of my system. Scroll down quickly to get it overwith.

Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer
Cancer  Cancer   Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
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Cancer  Cancer   Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer
Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer
Cancer     Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer     Cancer      Cancer
Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer
Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer
Cancer  Cancer   Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer
Cancer  Cancer   Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer
Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer
Cancer     Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer     Cancer      Cancer
Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer
Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer
Cancer  Cancer   Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer
Cancer  Cancer   Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer
Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer
Cancer     Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer     Cancer      Cancer
Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer
Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer
Cancer  Cancer   Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer
Cancer  Cancer   Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer
Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer
Cancer     Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer     Cancer      Cancer
Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer
Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer
Cancer  Cancer   Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer
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Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer
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Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer
Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer
Cancer  Cancer   Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer
Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer
Cancer  Cancer  Cancer Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer
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Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer
Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer
Cancer  Cancer  Cancer Cancer Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer
Cancer  Cancer  Cancer Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer
Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer
Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer     Cancer
Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer
Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer
Cancer  Cancer  Cancer Cancer Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer
Cancer  Cancer  Cancer Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer
Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer
Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer     Cancer
Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer
Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer
Cancer  Cancer  Cancer Cancer Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer
Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer    Cancer
Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer     Cancer
Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer
Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer
Cancer  Cancer  Cancer Cancer Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer
Cancer  Cancer  Cancer Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer
Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer
Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer     Cancer
Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer
Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer
Cancer  Cancer  Cancer Cancer Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer
Cancer  Cancer  Cancer Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer
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Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer     Cancer
Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer
Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer
Cancer  Cancer  Cancer Cancer Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer
Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer
Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer     Cancer
Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer
Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer
Cancer  Cancer  Cancer Cancer Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer
Cancer  Cancer  Cancer Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer
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Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer     Cancer
Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer
Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer
Cancer  Cancer  Cancer Cancer Cancer  Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer
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Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer
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Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer      Cancer     Cancer
Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer     Cancer
Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer  Cancer   Cancer   Cancer
Cancer  Cancer  Cancer Cancer Cancer Cancer  Cancer  Cancer
Alll cancer and no play make Derrick a dull boy
Alll cancer  and  no  play  make  Derrick a  dul l boy
Alll  cancer   and   no   play   make   Derrick a   dull   boy
Alll   cancer    and    no    play    make   Derrick  a    dull    boy
Alll    cancer     and     no     play     make     Derrick   a     dull     boy
Alll     cancer       and      no      play      make      Derrick    a      dull      boy
Alll      cancer        and       no       play       make      Derrick     a       dull       boy
Alll       cancer         and        no        play        make       Derrick      a        dull        boy
Alll        cancer          and         no         play         make        Derrick       a         dull         boy
Alll       cancer         and        no        play        make       Derrick      a        dull        boy
Alll      cancer        and       no       play       make      Derrick     a       dull       boy
Alll     cancer       and      no      play      make      Derrick    a      dull      boy
Alll    cancer     and     no     play     make     Derrick   a     dull     boy
Alll   cancer    and    no    play    make   Derrick  a    dull    boy
Alll  cancer   and   no   play   make   Derrick   a   dull   boy
Alll cancer  and  no  play  make  Derrick  a  dul l boy
Alll cancer and no play make Derrick a dull boy
-

-Creepy eh?

Does it identify me any longer?

Despite the outpouring of the word it is not out of my mind. But I will not irk you with my greatest vicissitude any longer.

Next week I promise an amusing anecdote as well as some vintage Diabolique writing from 1994 - how exciting! I've given you all another Monday to look forward to.

This week's song is an intense trance classic from 1996:

'Mars Needs Women' by Doof

until next week, remember..
when you dance, we are a part of what you feel.

Real Audio is required to hear anything.

If you'd like to read more of my cancer updates:

12/10/01 - Pre-Cancer Fears
 01/22/01 - Time Becomes a Loop
02/11/01 - The Second Opinion
04/08/01 - Fragility
05/01/01 - Beginning of the End
05/07/01 - Death is my Bitch
05/20/01 - Cancer: The END
06/11/01 - A Trip to San Francisco
6/17/01 - Things I Love After Cancer
07/01/01 - Cancer: Enough Already
12/16/01 - Anniversary 

House of Diabolique: 31 (a music mix)

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