Your latest posting is a truly haunting account of your journey. If I can reassure you on any level, it's this: You haven't lost any of the wit, drama, or intelligence of your fiercely engaged mind.  And when (not if) your time comes, as it must for all of us, that is what will be remembered.
Stay strong.
- Michael / New York

Your words have touched my soul. So honest and real. Nothing less from you. Please know that I and many others have you in our thoughts and prayers. 
I hold such hope for you. Keep shining.
-Wren / Indianapolis

You are a force to be reckoned with and i dont believe that this is going to be the thing that takes you away from us. a strong voice only comes along once in awhile, and we're blessed that you can convey the thoughts and feelings of many. again i wish you all the best, and hope that you come out of this a new and refreshed person, ready to take on warner brothers :)
- Mayebeline / Philadelphia

I've heard through a close friend about your recent battle with Cancer...and was horrified.  New and Recent Firewall technology has kept me off of HOD, however the friend has passed the text updates along.
I can't imagine what you are going through, nor will I pretend to. 
I just want you to remember that you are loved. 
As a DJ, YOU are truly an inspiration to me.  Finding someone who is so dedicated to the music and aura it invokes is a rarity.
Thank you, for your contribution to the house/trance/dance evolution. 
Please, do your best to get well, the Dance Community cannot afford to loose a shining soul like yours. 
Bobby / Randolph, NJ

I don't know you but a friend of mine referred me to your site to hear some good music.  I was struck by your story.  I designed my mother's web page detailing the struggle she had with leukemia and her bone marrow transplant recovery.  Unfortunately she only lasted 11 months after the transplant and she passed away two days before Halloween.  I am still struggling with this loss on a daily basis.
I could relate to what you said about people saying "think positive".  My mother really hated that kind of pressure because she said she had to deal with the reality that it might not work out.  We used to struggle between thinking positive and thinking not so positive.  One didn't know whether to be an optimist or a realist etc etc..
Your taste in music is great.
Your pictures are quite striking.  Your fascination with robots reminded me of Kraftwerk and their tendency to sing about or mimic robots (and showroom dummies for that matter).
Anyway....hang in there…  remember its OK to talk about death and its OK to be hopeful too.
thanks for sharing...you have a gift for self expression.
Don / Minneapolis

The news of your cancer diagnosis is indeed distressing and sad, but I know that folks like us get through things like this with much grace and power. Almost eight years ago, I was told that I didn't have much of an immune system left at the age of twenty-five.  Here I am, thirty-one now, healthier and more radiant than ever with faith and love abounding everywhere. Suffice to say, house music and trance have had a LOT to do with my own healing.
You have helped to brighten my life from time to time with your words, your music, and your images.  To this day, your page about the eighties girls from New Jersey ranks as one of the most outstanding things ever published on the WWW!
Quinn / West Hollywood, CA

Note: I ought to bring those 80s girls back. I featured them before I started archiving selected updates!
 

I love the music on your site and sorry to hear about the cancer.  I don't approve of the drag queen/gay ish lifestyle but I guess if you don't believe in the afterlife then u may as well do what u wanna.
- LuLu / Sydney

Thanks - I think.
 

In regards to what "LuLu" said about the afterlife, I hope you aren't as brainwashed by an organized religion as she is.  I'm a free thinker and I believe that if there is a god, and I think there is, he wouldn't make something a certain way and hate it.  We do have a place in heaven based on the good that you do in your life rather than who you were made to love.  So keep your head up, and focus on making it through this.  You can... I can't wait until your sassy ass comes back full force!  :o)
Love & Light...
- Kev / San Fransisco

Thanks Kev, and my sassy ass will be back in full force before you know it!
 

I doubt that you would remember me, seeing as i have only emailed you
with questions regarding the music on the site.  And by the way, you have always been overly-accommodating to me... I was floored by what I read regarding your health...
I have always admired your ability to express yourself in written word on your site, and you have a palpable warmth in your emails and general writing.  I have always thought that you should write a book, considering your talent...
And as far as ceasing to be the beautiful strange person you are, that is an impossibility because of the way that you have affected others, both in the clubs and on the site.  Your beauty and strangeness are 
life-trancending and truly eternal!!!
- Mark

Oh my God! What can I say? I visit your page often but when I came back from vacation what do I find??? Bush president and you? Sick? I don't think so, not for long anyway. 
You inspire and comfort more people than you realize, let's just say whether you believe in it or not you have what we all refer to as good Karma. 
 If you're friends haven't told you already, I think you are one of those people that's going to come out this with a new wisdom . A new wisdom and new appreciation for life that only a close call like this give you. Through all the nausea and hair loss I know that's not easy to see that right now, but you will .......we all love you honey, you're going to be O.K. 
- Stephanie / Laguna Beach

I just wanted to send you a quick note, and let you know how much I have enjoyed your site over the last few years…
     The first time I read your website, I was amazed at how much we had in common, and how we looked at things the same way, even though we are so different. When I read your front page today, I was immediately in tears and could not help but feel strong for you. 
Last year, I was feeling really bad and went to the doctor. Next thing you know I have Phenomena and CMV, and was hanging on by a thread. I couldn't eat or drink anything. I thought my life was over when the doctor told me I had HIV. 
Thank God, I am much better now, and the reason I am telling you this, is because if I can pull thru it, I know you can to.
p.s. When times get hard, I always think of some cute young boy, and his care free attitude, and his huge cock. For some reason, that just seems to make things better. I don't know why......:)
- Robbie

That's good advice that my doctors never gave me.
 

I must tell you that you are beautiful.  I looked through your pics and I just can't believe what I see, I am just so amazed.  I wanted to write to you and tell you that... 
I was diagnosed with HIV about three years ago and it was a devastating blow to me and my family and friends.  I just couldn't believe that something like this happened to me, I asked why, what did I do to deserve this...
Things happen to us for a reason and that is to make us stronger inside as well as mentally and physically...  Keep taking your meds and treatments and you will come around for sure. My mother had cancer also, not what you have but skin cancer, she went through it twice with surgeries. Cancer is a horrible thing but it can be over come… Again, I just can't believe how beautiful and stunning you are… Take care and best wishes.
Joe / Harrisburg PA

i am just now catching up on your eloquent descriptions of what you've been going through with your cancer.  reading your notes is particularly poignant for me since i was recently diagnosed hiv+ and have a lot of fears and uncertainty  about the future.  reading about the incredible pain and sense of being drained of life that you describe, i admire you for keeping going.  i have always said to myself that if i got that sick, i would simply end it.  and i don't really want to go on the anti-hiv meds, since from what i understand they can make your life miserable.  already i've been having stomach/digestive problems and have felt kind weaker and needed more sleep--in short, i feel sickly.
and yet after a recent vacation i had this revelation of like--i'm not ready to call it in yet.  what propels us to keep living?
in your case, when you're undergoing infinitely more torture, it doesn't, from your writings, seem even to occur to you that you could simply end the torture very simply. i've never been really happy with my life, and yet now when i'm faced with a putatively terminal disease, i want to keep going.  i'm becoming very interested in the idea of what keeps us going in the face of seemingly unbearable circumstances.
-alex

I felt like I had no choice but to endure, except for one time.
After not being able to sleep or eat for three days, I remembered that I had four bottles of prescription sleeping pills at my apartment. While staring at the wall for hours, I fantasized about pulling my three (yes three) IVs out, taking a cab there and falling back into my own bed, forever.
Looking back on it, the sleep/food depravation I endured seems unreal.

I wrote you a few months ago about acquiring music that was out of print. You lead me to Napster to find these hard-to-find songs. Again, THANK YOU! 
I'm not a holy roller or anything like that, but just a musician at my church...
I read the words from your website and tears formed. I realize I don't know you as I would a close friend, but I thought back to when you emailed me back and gave me the help I asked for....
I don't know if you would want me to, but I will pray for you, a speedy recovery. I've told so many people about your website. Looking forward to reading that you have made a complete recovery soon. So until then...HERE IS SOMEONE YOU HAVE INFLUENCED WITH A KIND DEED.
- Thomas

I'm not so sure if you remember me... I'm a Japanese fan of your site. I have done some emails back and forth with you before. I really enjoy reading your site every week. I hope you'll get well and come back for us soon. We your fans are always with you, even though we are scattered around the world.
(I don't really believe in the God, but this time I do)
Praying from the other side of the Pacific Ocean,
Julian Shunsuke Suge / Japan

I am very sorry to hear about your illness.  As a chemotherapy nurse I was very dissappointed to find that you did not specify your treatment as high dose chemotherapy.  Many cancer patients fear chemo because of the horror stories that they hear. Please be more considerate of the newly diagnosed patients that you may be impacting with the description of your treatment…
- Camali

Another Haiku for my ailing friend:
Cancer in the Flesh
twisted insight in the Mind
Beau-ty in his Soul.
(if automatons have souls being the implication....the people are here for you never-the-less, my friend)
- Jared / Johnson City

diabolique, my beautiful darling and provider of some of the best music that ever graced my CD player - found out about what you are going through right now, it might sound ridiculous because I do not really know you but nevertheless, you have always been so close to me, virtually, because of your love for the same music I love, your intelligent and always inspiring views, so I just sat in front of the PC and cried.
I've been to hospital for almost a year at the age of 18 and was told I'd most probably never recover.  all I can say is: I continued listening to my music (it was the late 70ies, disco classic time...) and it gave me so much strength and will-power, so I'm glad to hear that you're still into it and that you are looking forward to dance again. it IS a good sign as it's been for me, because after a year or so I proved all those doctors wrong and went back ... clubbing and enjoying life to the max...
ok, my dear, I hope there will be some good news soon on your site, I'll be back every week now and I am sending you all the energy I've got, I hope you can feel it!
- Thomas / Germany

I first stumbled upon the House of Diabolique Hall of Honorary Members on a whim somehow a few years back and though it slipped below my radar for a year or so, I stopped back yesterday to encounter your glowing tribute to Little Eddie Furlong.  Thank you for the peals of laughter you sent me into with that hilarious piece!  I especially enjoyed the song snippets.  What a pop star.
I didn't know about your illness until visiting the site and was so sorry to hear of your misfortune.  Here's hoping you get good news on Monday, and even if not, you seem to be a resilient individual and the strength of support from the zillions of House of Diabolique fans like myself.  Best
wishes, and thanks for the laughs... no matter what happens, you've got a brilliant mind and a wicked sense of humour, and no debt nor illness can take those away from you.
-vicki

I read what's happened to you lately.  Damn.  It seems we have even more in common than i thought!  I know all too well what you might be going through.
When I was 22 i went under chemo, lost all my hair, the whole 9 yards.   I got a second opinion like you did and ended up at the Mayo Clinic in 
Rochester, MN for the summer.   There too the doctors said i arrived just in time.  Apparently they said chemo was not the way to go since they thought it was operable.  So off i went for endless tests and a surgery that lasted from 6am to 10pm at night...
after the surgery....they would NOT give me any pain killers for the 1st 24 hours in intesive care because they wanted to know how much nerve or brain damage i had sustained.   The nurse came in EVERY 30 minutes to wake me up and do all the tests.   They put me in there with some old bitch who's heart monitor alarm kept going off every 15 minutes.  Trust me if I could have got out of that bed and switched her damn life support off so i could get 30 minutes of sleep i would have! 

I had a similar problem in that I was constantly being roomed with guys who had hearing problems and had their televisions blasting throughout the day and night!

Finally after 18 hours i couldn't take it no more, i started threating to throw myself off the 5th floor (the cancer wing of course) window unless they brought me morphine.  (little did i know the windows had bars on them, apparently there were thinking way ahead of me)   They eventually called my doctor and he gave the OK.  Did i mention how much i love morphine?  haha

I, too, learned to love morphine. I demanded it often!

I understand exactly what you talked about earlier about the nightmare of being in the hospital.   I'm telling you if there is hell on earth...me and you have both truly been there now!  :)   I remember one day i woke up feeling good enough to get up and  maybe go walk down to the visiting area on that floor.   Of course i had to drag both IV racks with me with tubes running in and out of me, like walking down a hallway with a pair of coat racks on wheels.   My drain tubes were still in too.  Very attractive too if you've ever seen them, they were inserted under the skin on my skull just behind the ears...kinda like that borg leader on star trek.   When i got down there, there was this family 
visiting with a patient, who was much better condition than me, and this little girl that was with them...probably about 6 or 7 years old saw me and started crying and was actually scared of me, like i was some kind of monster that walked into the room. What an uplifting moment that was for me. 
After that it took alot to get me to come out of my room, because i couldn't stand it when people would stare.   When I'm coherent, like now, I'd probably yell at them or say something bitchy...but when you're all doped up, you're not your best, so who knows. 
Well the good news is, that was 5 years ago.   Everything is fine now.   My doctor thinks I'm in the clear. 
I wish there was someone i could talk to back then when i was going thru all of it.  No one seemed to understand and how could they really? All i wanted to do was lay in the dark, turn the air 
conditioning down to freezing level and wait for the next round of morphine so i could get a full 2 hours sleep before it would wear off and i'd wake up! 
I don't know how many times you've done chemo, but that is a bitch!   Never again...
I think the next trance song i do, I'll have to dedicate it to you!  Maybe name it after you.

You better!

It's going to be the best stuff too.   Way better than the crap i was writing last year! 
I better get going though.  It'd be great to hear from you...
- John
 

Please do not make fun of my grammar, it's very poor.  I am a latin girl who just recently moved here to the US.  I found your web site by accident, and ever since it has been a honor to be able to just click on my favorites and get all the information that I need about house music.  You got the right stuff. I love all your favorites picks,when it comes to music.  To day i keep on searching around your home page, and i discovered your illness.  It broke my heart to hear that this could happens to some one as fortunate as you. 
They way it seems, you have been thru everything and almost seen anything.  I wish i could be a part of your click, i am sure your friends feel very lucky to have some one like you in their lives.
Good luck , and i will be praying for you.  I must say , you are so right when it comes to who are the best djs in the world.  It feels very good to know that my taste is share with so many other people.  Take good care and remember, the mind is a very powerfull tool,use it to heal within.
- Vanessa