I write this on Tuesday, May 1st at 3:46am. By all means I should be asleep right now as I had to wake up very early to get two scans done at the hospital - scans that will reveal whether or not I am cancer-free. I will get the results on Monday.

I am exhausted but I cannot sleep, and I will probably have similar troubles every night this week until my fate is revealed. My chances of living plummet if I am still infected.

It is strange being home again, alone, since I haven't been alone in a room since I went to the emergency room on December 15, 2000. Although being alone is welcome, it also feels lonely and unnatural. I am unused to it.

I went to a few bars with my friends on Saturday night. It was strange to be out again. Although I am loved and was obviously missed, I felt strangely out of context. These feelings will pass.

My legs are killing me today because of all the walking around I've done since leaving the hospital. I am underweight, seriously out of shape and completely hairless, like an alien from the last scene of Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

I may be prematurely getting my bearings on normal life again (who knows what news Monday will bring) but one thing is certain - I am in complete financial ruin, thousands upon thousands upon thousands of dollars in debt with no income and no way to work as I slowly regain my strength. So, I've put a few of my prized possessions on Ebay and this should pay my next month of rent, but then what? I'm not sure.

'Call in three months time and i'll be fine, i know
well maybe not that fine
but i'll survive anyhow

so what happens now?
where am i going to?
you'll get by you always have before...'

This year was to have been a banner year of change for me. I, who have never been anywhere, had planned a month long trip to India in March - canceled, of course, due to my illness. I had also joined a union which would have (and will eventually) double my salary once I can work again, but the potential Writer's and Screen Actor's Guild strikes are throwing a wrench into that plan for the time being. Most depressingly, I had planned on going to college this fall but the application deadline passed me by while I was deliriously sick from chemo. I had most of the application done but none of the mental wherewithal to complete it in time, although I did try.

But enough whining. I suppose this year has still been a year of great change for me.

And yet it is 4:23am and I am nowhere near being able to sleep. Come Monday I will learn if I am anywhere near dying.

until next week, remember..
when you dance, we are a part of what you feel.

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If you'd like to read more of my cancer updates: